October

ALONE WITH SEA.

Autumn. It came unexpectedly, smoothly flowing from summer, like river flows into sea. Waking up on a new day morning I understood and realized: it was here. I got up, rubbed my eyes and looked out of window.

Sunrays couldn’t reach the yard because of trees. Everywhere smell of autumn was felt. One more year was leaving. Forever. I thought before that the whole life was in front of me, that I was young and had many discoveries before. But now I realize that as a matter of fact, everything is quite vice versa. Each day, I lived, was a small life, its detail. Precisely life detail and not life trifle.

October is in city. Noise, crowd, fuss, slush… I got tired of it. As though somebody pumps energy out of me. Step by step comes twilight. World is covered with rime. Already for 40 years I have been walking along this world. And suddenly I felt violent need for solitude. Not abstract solitude in crowd, but real physical solitude, when nobody looks at me. When I can relax shoulders and muscles of face, when I can immerge in silence… Solitude is value that I deserve and I will keep it. My soul demands free personal space.

I go to Letnaya Zolotitsa. It meets me with rain – it’s all the same for me. I settle in apartment with separate exit. I can hide under blanket with favorite book and think about nothing, see nobody and hear nothing! I can go for long walks in forest, go far away along seacoast and listen to sound of waves, rustle of trees and music of winds. Especially in autumn. In such moments I feel myself at top of happiness and have nearly no thoughts at all.

Nobody around. Gentle joy. Telephone keeps silence. Nobody is running, stumping one’s feet, standing over me and banging the doors. Silence… I am longing to love everything: forest, sea, long walks and even people, which are far far away now.

I walk along seashore, relaxed and exposed to sun and wind. Thoughts, dreams. Beach line slightly bends. On the skyline appear vague contours of cape – Sataninskiy cape. Where does such name come from? I think about those who sailed in this sea, got into storms, set bowing crosses in acknowledgement of saving. What courageous people! They are worth of deep respect. Even Peter the Great got into scrape here. Cross and skit of Andrey Pervozdanniy – these are signs of gratitude to God for saving from Peter I. These places possess strange power. May be that was why Peter I chose just them for Baptism of Russian Fleet? May be that was why the most northern and very powerful Solovetskiy monastery appeared just her?

Strange hush. I look at skyline and it makes my flesh creep. Inner searcher for adventures jumps up. From skyline thunderstorm is moving, dark wall of slanting rain. In any case I am not alone here, high thunderstorm cloud – a person charming and attracting attention.

Not strong whirlwind, first drops of rain… So, the storm begins. Let it be, storm! The world around becomes grey from solid wall of rain, overall merciless downpour, much stronger than it seemed before. You are welcome, guy!

An interesting observation: when the thunderstorm began I was not frightened. I made decision – to look at it. That was all. Neither doubts nor fear. But then I felt disturbance – I walked rather far away. Wind strengthens – there will be real storm. And at once plan in thought turns into action. I want to draw storm, this sea and this sky. I wish to reproduce this dynamics, this energy, and this might.

It is interesting but as soon as I take decision, I calm down. I return back in the rain. To my comfortable room. Pure air works as a sleeping pill. After breathing with it all day long, you sleep like a baby. Tomorrow will be sun. Tomorrow I shall draw. How wonderful it is!

Only those who has developed inner world, who reached certain individual and soul heights, who is developed as an individual, can love and stand solitude… Solitude is a possibility to meet with yourself. To see. To think. To analyze and make conclusions. Soul has a rest and body fills with new energy. What for? For new communications, new deeds, new fire… For Future...

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